Map of Your Life

**Sorry folks, decided to take a break from trying to be funny for once. Just wanted to ramble on some thoughts on being successful, happy, and living well...

In American life we all have the constant struggle of finding the balance between trying to succeed and trying to enjoy life. This comes up in so many ways in our everyday lives. If you eat a doughnut, you'll enjoy it, but it will hurt your quest to be thin... If you take that 2 week trip to Europe, you'll have life-long memories, but you may get passed up for that promotion you want. The question we must all answer is how do we value these things. In order to do this, we must first decide what our individual value system is. To come up with it, we must answer some very tough, soul searching questions that don't have right and wrong answers. For me, a few of the questions are... "how much do I really care what others think?," "do I care more about my own happiness or the happiness of other people?," and "how important is money?" Now if you quickly answered... "I don't care," "other people's happiness," and "not importsnt at all" then you had better be helping Somolian orphins to learn calculus and I'd still question that you don't care what people think. But my main point is that any answer to these questions is totally valid and fine, as long as they are your true choices. The mistake that people too often make is not ever answering these types of questions and letting your surroundings dictate your answers. Society often tells us that money and success is more valuable then free time. If you don't think this is true, then tell me why our average work week is much longer then almost every other country in the world? We just come out of the womb as work-a-holics? How do you think people would look at you if you worked 3 days a week and just never planned on buying a house or a nice car? In many circles you would be looked at as a loser. But if you don't care what people thought and had enough to get by, couldn't a 20 hour work week be THE BEST CHOICE to be happy?! The fact that this is considered an unworthy way to live to me is very sad. Now am I saying that is the best way to live? Hell no. I personally have things I want to accomplish because I will be happier that way. Achievement is a high value for me. Having said that, I all the time find myself chosing things like an afternoon basketball game, a family weekend, or a night out at a bar over staying home and working. Why? Well, family, friends, fun, and memories are all very high values for me as well.

Now I know this is where some smart ass is reading this and saying to himself... "This is hysterically simple... just find a job you love and you get both!" Well thank you Socrates, but in reality no matter how much we love our jobs, there will always be a fair amount of days that we'd rather not work at all. Now I'm not saying that the fictitious annoying smartass doesn't have a point. If you like or love your job then you are way better off. But it is far to simple minded to leave it at that. There are parts to every job that are less than fun, but often those are the parts that make you ultra successful. How much of them should you do? WHich is more valuable, your time in your 20's or your 60's? And what if the time you spent at your job cost you your marriage or your chances to meet that perfect someone? It may be obvious to say that our life is a product of all the choices we make, but bearing that in mind, shouldn't we reexamine these major life altering choices almost everyday?

Random question: Do you think people in small African villages have mid-life crises? I don't know for sure, but I'd guess no. I think that mid-life crisis are our way of going...

"Holy shit! I've been making a whole crapload of huge decisions with my life and I never really stopped to think about any of them! Boy I wish I had thought of this earlier... Do I want children?... Uh, I guess I don't really have a choice anymore. I hope it's not my turn to clean the poop."

Or something like that.

Hell, people have started having quarter life crises which I personally think is a step in the right direction! It means that people are asking those questions 25 years earlier! I can only hope that the next generation starts having 1/12 life crisis at age 9. At the end of the day, all I'm trying to say is that we all need to spend a little time each day searching our souls for the map of our lives. Because if we don't, then we'll end up following our parent's map, or society's map, or some map we found crumpled up in the back parking lot of an Arbie's, and while those may all lead you to have a decent, happy life or a homeless guy's shoe collection, those will never lead you to the life you were meant to have. Because those answers can only be found within you. As for me, I'm gonna to do some script writing, eat a doughnut, and then get some sleep. Enjoy the trip and I hope you have the time of your life.

-Scot

Week of Doom

Have you eve had a week so bad that by thursday you just don't want to get out of bed? One of those weeks where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING goes wrong. Even the little stuff. Check that, especially the little stuff. But to the point where the little stuff adds up to feel like one of those disaster scenes from a slapstick comedy where the main character accidently lights himself on fire after seemingly losing the girl, his job, and his best friend with in a matter of minutes.

And somehow the character never seems to be hurt from being ablaze for several minutes and always gets the girl back. Unfortunately first degree burns hurt in the real world. A lot. I found that out during the week of doom. Yes, recently I had a week that would have made a perfect middle section to Ben Stiller's next movie.

I won't get into every detail, because the internet isn't big enough, but here are a few of the highlights... Cracked a tooth, needed a root canal, got a temperary filling because the dentist did not have time to finish root canal before leaving town, got a parking ticket for 45 bucks, got a speeding ticket, found out that the girl I like is now seeing someone who plays soccer (i hate guys who play soccer), cracked my temporary filling while the dentist was on vacation, got a permanent stain on one of the only shirts that makes me look cool, lost the biggest gig of my writing career (biggie), lost my voice without having shouted, sprained an ankle playing basketball, lost 300 dollars playing poker figuring I was owed some gambling karma, and finally ordered chinese food for dinner and it NEVER came.

Now the last one doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it happened to be the straw that broke the back of my frustration camel. He is now dead. Very sad. I had had enough. My plan was to spend an evening inside my apartment, watching tv other then news, where nothing could go wrong. I wouldn't even leave to get dinner I thought, delivery sounds safe. What could possibly happen wrong with that? Sure I could get food poisoning, but that could happen with any food I figured.

Now I live at a very large centralized apartment building in Hollywood and most days I end up with 7 menus jammed in my door. So I flipped through the 197 delivery menus that I had kept, 194 of which were pizza places which sounded boring (hindsight), one was indian which sounded too risky during a normal week, one was called the steak depot which sounded like a good place for anyone ordering an entire cow, and then there was a chinese place called "Star Wok." This didn't quite ring authentic, but i figured that was okay in a week where I really just craved non disasters. So I dialed. 8:03pm on my cell phone.

I called wondering where my food was at 9:15. "We are very busy, he had 3 whole deliveries to make" she said without the sarcastic word "whole" in the sentence. So I accepted this bad news (you get used to it in a week like this) and waited a little longer. 9:36 I could have hit up all three corners of the greater los angeles area AND made homemade eggrolls by now I thought to myself as I called back. This time she claimed to have just spoken with the driver and he was now en route only moments away. I hasselled her some more as it had been an hour and a half now. She agreed to give me 25% off. I wanted to cancel the order on principal but discount chinese food only moments away sounded too good to turn down. Principles can be put aside for sesame chicken in trying times like this.

And alas...after trashing much of my apartment in frustration i furiously tried calling back once more at 10:01. I would threaten law suits, the better business bureau, and possibly even to burn down their establishment. I was in my pajamas, I just needed chinese food. There was no answer. They had closed. The week of doom had struck again. Somehow it had contacted this establishment and told them not only to not serve me, but to taunt me by telling me it was constantly "on the way." My personal theory, they never even sent the delivery guy. Now lots of people have to get root canals, people lose jobs and girls all the time, and parking tickets are in my monthly budget. But I dare you to find someone who ever ordered delivery food and had it just not come. No one has ever had this happen. I believe that in the history of delivery food, I am the first. Sure it's been pathetically late for some people. Others have called ten minutes before closing and had them refuse to take the order that late, but never has anyone just had it not come!

Now the week has passed, and my luck certainly has been a bit better. Nothing good has happened, but the bad has stopped. So I'm on the lookout for something good. They always say that when one door closes, another door opens. I believe this. I'm hoping that this also translates into that when you have one of the shittiest weeks ever, you'll have an unbelievable amazing week to make up for it. One with lottery wins, supermodels, and 20 minute deliveries. I'll keep ya posted.

cheers
Scot

What the Real World Should Learn From College

Recently no one has asked me what the difference between the real world and college is, but if they had, I would have had an essays worth of ideas on things that the real world should take from college and incorporate into everyday life. “Like what?” you ask. Well…

Optional Three Hour Work Days
In searching for a job upon graduation, I looked everywhere for a high paying job where I could sign up for a few afternoon hours of work per week. The kind of job where there are enough employees that if I accidentally decided to get drunk and couldn’t make it any given day that I wouldn’t be missed. The kind of job that pushes you hard for a week or two a year and lets you cruise the rest of the time by copying off Asians. Unfortunately the real world seems to be stuck on this silly notion of eight hour days and earning your pay! To illustrate how stupid this is, just ask your average working Joe when the last time they went to Mexico with a stripper or if they've gotten drunk, put a paper bag on their head and lit it on fire on a Monday. The real world needs help. Case closed.



Work Exchange Program
When I had classes in college that actually included homework, there were some simple techniques for resourceful people like myself to efficiently remove this obstacle of happiness. I would simply tell one person that if I could copy their homework this week that I would let them copy mine next week. The person would agree and I would take their answers to another person and offer them this week’s homework in exchange for them letting me have next week’s homework. As a successful middle man, I didn’t do homework for the last 3 years of college. But upon graduating, I found out a horrible flaw in the real world…They make different people do different work! Maybe they have some bizarre sudo-logical reason for this, but it seems to me, college got it right.

A Forgivable 4 Year Period for Lesbianism
Girls in the real world never get drunk and kiss each other! Not even when you dare them too! College on the other hand has found a brilliant loophole that allows girls to kiss, grope, and fondle each other without ever being looked at twice. (Mostly because no one looks away.) Just imagine how much better the real world would be with this type of policy. Girl on girl meetings, off-sites, and a whole different type of office party!



Extra Holidays and Vacations
In the real world we rarely celebrate things. Most people get a lousy week off for Christmas and then a few scattered Mondays off. My thought on the matter… Where are the drunken Wednesdays and the bodily fluid exchange Thursdays?! Life is about celebration! Celebrating things by drinking ourselves retarded! Celebrating things like… spring break, fat Tuesday, pimps, ho’s, kwanza, Cinco de Mayo, Seis de Mayo, Fridays, Mash reruns, finishing a test, failing a test, football games, concerts, dropping a class, moon god festivals, sorority car washes, intramural bowling, birthdays of people you’ve never met, rush parties of fraternities you wouldn’t join, nude marathons, 2 for 1 beer nights, break-ups, and 4-20. Now that’s a calendar that I can respect.



Overall Quality of Life
As I write this complaining essay on a Tuesday night, I sit alone in my apartment. There is no loud music from down the hall, no pretty girls who need calculus help, and nobody chatting in a rec room or 24 hour cafeteria about blowjobs and conspiracy theories. In fact, in the real world you can’t even walk down the hall of your apartment building and introduce yourself to someone at midnight without having the police called. There are many unwritten rules like this in the real world that keep people from meeting new people, getting laid, and living life to the fullest. The truth is that the real world could learn a lot from college. And people know it too! People always talk about their college years as “the best time of their life” and write it off like some lost love from the past, but college isn’t about the classes, it’s really just a set of rules for living your life. We should all continue to live by those rules! Why not live by the rules that say if you start a beer you finish it, not the rules that say you can’t stay up past one on a work night. Think how much more fun you would have. And maybe you do have to work a little harder in the real world and that’s okay… Or maybe you just have to find a new set of loopholes.