The World Report - Sep 29.06

A new daily vidlog I'm doing with my writing partner Ben Gleib. We cover the biggest and funniest of what's happening.
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Map of Your Life

**Sorry folks, decided to take a break from trying to be funny for once. Just wanted to ramble on some thoughts on being successful, happy, and living well...

In American life we all have the constant struggle of finding the balance between trying to succeed and trying to enjoy life. This comes up in so many ways in our everyday lives. If you eat a doughnut, you'll enjoy it, but it will hurt your quest to be thin... If you take that 2 week trip to Europe, you'll have life-long memories, but you may get passed up for that promotion you want. The question we must all answer is how do we value these things. In order to do this, we must first decide what our individual value system is. To come up with it, we must answer some very tough, soul searching questions that don't have right and wrong answers. For me, a few of the questions are... "how much do I really care what others think?," "do I care more about my own happiness or the happiness of other people?," and "how important is money?" Now if you quickly answered... "I don't care," "other people's happiness," and "not importsnt at all" then you had better be helping Somolian orphins to learn calculus and I'd still question that you don't care what people think. But my main point is that any answer to these questions is totally valid and fine, as long as they are your true choices. The mistake that people too often make is not ever answering these types of questions and letting your surroundings dictate your answers. Society often tells us that money and success is more valuable then free time. If you don't think this is true, then tell me why our average work week is much longer then almost every other country in the world? We just come out of the womb as work-a-holics? How do you think people would look at you if you worked 3 days a week and just never planned on buying a house or a nice car? In many circles you would be looked at as a loser. But if you don't care what people thought and had enough to get by, couldn't a 20 hour work week be THE BEST CHOICE to be happy?! The fact that this is considered an unworthy way to live to me is very sad. Now am I saying that is the best way to live? Hell no. I personally have things I want to accomplish because I will be happier that way. Achievement is a high value for me. Having said that, I all the time find myself chosing things like an afternoon basketball game, a family weekend, or a night out at a bar over staying home and working. Why? Well, family, friends, fun, and memories are all very high values for me as well.

Now I know this is where some smart ass is reading this and saying to himself... "This is hysterically simple... just find a job you love and you get both!" Well thank you Socrates, but in reality no matter how much we love our jobs, there will always be a fair amount of days that we'd rather not work at all. Now I'm not saying that the fictitious annoying smartass doesn't have a point. If you like or love your job then you are way better off. But it is far to simple minded to leave it at that. There are parts to every job that are less than fun, but often those are the parts that make you ultra successful. How much of them should you do? WHich is more valuable, your time in your 20's or your 60's? And what if the time you spent at your job cost you your marriage or your chances to meet that perfect someone? It may be obvious to say that our life is a product of all the choices we make, but bearing that in mind, shouldn't we reexamine these major life altering choices almost everyday?

Random question: Do you think people in small African villages have mid-life crises? I don't know for sure, but I'd guess no. I think that mid-life crisis are our way of going...

"Holy shit! I've been making a whole crapload of huge decisions with my life and I never really stopped to think about any of them! Boy I wish I had thought of this earlier... Do I want children?... Uh, I guess I don't really have a choice anymore. I hope it's not my turn to clean the poop."

Or something like that.

Hell, people have started having quarter life crises which I personally think is a step in the right direction! It means that people are asking those questions 25 years earlier! I can only hope that the next generation starts having 1/12 life crisis at age 9. At the end of the day, all I'm trying to say is that we all need to spend a little time each day searching our souls for the map of our lives. Because if we don't, then we'll end up following our parent's map, or society's map, or some map we found crumpled up in the back parking lot of an Arbie's, and while those may all lead you to have a decent, happy life or a homeless guy's shoe collection, those will never lead you to the life you were meant to have. Because those answers can only be found within you. As for me, I'm gonna to do some script writing, eat a doughnut, and then get some sleep. Enjoy the trip and I hope you have the time of your life.

-Scot

War?

People are always saying “war is not the answer.” Which sounds smart and makes a great bumper sticker, but doesn’t that statement really depend on what the question is? Say for instance the question is “what’s it called when 2 countries fight each other with armies?” then the answer actually is war. Or what about if someone asks “what was World War 2?” Or “What is the dumbest casino game?” Again, war really is the best answer for those 2 quality questions as well. So now I know you are sitting there thinking that obviously war is always the answer. But unfortunately it is not that simple. You see there are many times that war is not even close to the answer. With real life questions like “What do you want for lunch?” “Can I borrow your homework?” or “Do you think Mariah Carey is a robot?” There are many times when people will look at you like a complete and total retard if you just shout out war as your answer to their question. So what percentage of the time is war a legitimate answer? Well if you are a democrat, then it is he correct answer .003% of the time. If you are a republican, then it is the correct answer 6% of the time. And if you are a terrorist, then you can really answer any question with it, but you may want to call it Gihad or your friends will shoot you. I hope this helps in answering all of the war and non-war related questions in your life.

Jesus Under Pressure: Does He Still Have It?

In his prime, Jesus could walk on water, turn water to wine (he was good with water tricks), and disappear from caves about as well as anyone. As far as saviors go, he was one of the best. But it’s 2006 now and Jesus is a lot older now. You see, most prophets peak between age 25 and 50. He is now a tad over 2000 years old. He no longer has his thin physique or thick brown beard. He probably looks more like Santa Claus or possibly Dick Clark if he’s kept up with styles. Look, I hate to be the one to bring it up, but these facts beg the question “does Jesus still have it?”

By the time you are done reading this, I’m sure my inbox is full of Christians writing angry emails about how he’ll always have it. But I ask you, did Michael Jordan still have it when he came back to the Wizards? Did Marlon Brando still have it when he did that stupid heist movie with Edward Norton? Or did Yoda still have it when he lived on that swampy dump of a planet?

And they were all still very good! Yoda could lift airplanes with his mind, Jordan could lift the level of his teammates play, and Marlon Brando could lift a sandwich like he was gonna hump it as convincingly as any actor ever could. But none of them were what they were in their prime.

Now in today’s world, 25% of the world’s population (Christians) believes that Jesus will return one day, rock like the old days, and fix things up all swell for him and his followers. But that’s a lot of God damn (pardon me) pressure! Would you want the pressure of one fourth of the world expecting you to fix every problem on earth? What if he David Blaine’s it and bails out of his staying underwater for 9 minutes trick? What if he accidentally turns Ed Bradley into a fish while doing sixty minutes or falls in a pool at Paris Hilton’s birthday party? He would embarrass not only himself but an awful lot of Christians who’ve been shouting about his big comeback for years. That would be disaster! Pretty soon Tony Kornheiser will start arguing on PTI that Jesus wouldn’t be a top 10 cover corner in the NFL. Christian churches would start saying that Peter was really the brains behind the whole calendar resetting and bible writing and that he’s the man.

So I will ask a tough question: Are we sure we want him to come back? If he never comes back then we will all remember him as the man. We’ll all continue to strive to be like him. We’ll continue to ask “What would Jesus do?” and pretend to know the answer. (In most situations I think he’d turn a bunch of water into wine and through a huge party.) Sometimes things are better left in memory. Jesus Christ has done a lot for society as a symbol. He helps us through our lives, makes an excellent exclamation when something surprising happens, makes jewelry that is always fashionable, and carries us on the beach in tough times. Maybe it’s time we paid him back by not being so demanding. He’s no spring chicken anymore, so why don’t we just let him enjoy retirement in peace.

Check out more of scot’s writing at scotrichardson.com

What You Should Watch on TV

Too much TV is a bad thing, at least I’ve heard. But with the invention of the Tivo (arguably the best invention since air) and with the importance of being a human being that can relate to others (quoting the bible does not count) it’s just silly to not watch any. I know, you have some lame excuse like you’re a workaholic or you prefer to spend your evenings working out like an Olympian, but if you don’t have time to live in a mindless fantasy world for a few minutes every week then you might want put the laptop or dumbbells down for a minute or two, your arms are done.

So what follows are the TV choices that I am currently making. I’m not saying that these are the best shows on TV. But these ones are pretty darn good and they give you a little bit of everything. Feel free to adjust to your own tastes with one caveat, make sure at least 1 of the shows is completely retarded and mindless. If I catch you with your Tivo entirely filled with CNN and Discovery Channel specials then I will tie you down and make you watch an entire season of The Simple Life just to turn you back into a human being. Without any further weird menacing comments, here they are…

Entourage (HBO) – I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what it would be like to be a movie star. The show brings you into a fantasy where you can buy hundred thousand dollar cars, date models, and drive all over L.A. like you own the joint. And then of course there is Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold who plays the asshole we all wish we could sometimes be. Well worth the 14 bucks a month for HBO and well worth 30 minutes a week.

24 (FOX) – Won the Emmy for best drama. It’s an action thriller about a counter terrorist field agent extraordinaire. Need I say more?

Flavor of Love (VH1) – Okay, if you haven’t seen this one, trust me! I know, it sounds horrible. But it is horrible only in a completely fantastic way. 80’s rap icon Flava Flave lives in a house with about 20 girls vying for his affection. It’s a show basically about legal reality show polygamy complete with sex dates and a ridiculous cast of characters. This season, one of the girls is named “Crazy” and her arch-enemy is named “Boots.” I am guaranteeing an all out cat fight by the last episode. Watching them fight is better then anything boxing has had in 15 years. And on top of that, it manages to be a reality show while spoofing reality shows at the same time. I know that makes no sense, but Flave gives out enormous clock necklaces every week as his way of picking who he wants to stay! It’s thirty minutes of lunacy that I promise will make you feel better about your own life.

High Stakes Poker (Game Show Network) – I know, you and your buddies play poker, so why watch it on TV? Ever see one of your buddies bluff with $150,000 in rubber banded cash wads? This show has the best players in the world betting their own money, with unlimited rebuying and no increasing blinds. In other words this isn’t some tournament where a shoe repairman from Shreevilleport can force Chris Ferguson to have to call or risk being blinded off. This is people playing great poker and talking a lot of shit while doing it. They actually paid Mike Matasow eight thousand dollars so he would stay and keep playing in the game. That is cruel, funny, and priceless. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, skip this one.

The Daily Show/Colbert Report (Comedy Central) – These are crazy times we are living in. If you can’t hold a conversation about our dependence on Middle Eastern oil but do know what the cast of Laguna beach is wearing to prom, people will think you’re retarded. And they might be right! So grab at least these two shows as your one hour dose of daily news with 2 spoonfuls of comedy to help you get through it. Trust us, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry (from our world’s situation), and you’ll know enough not to sound stupid. Sounds like a plan!

So go out and pick your own five, set your Tivo, and make sure you watch enough TV.