24 kicks ass and the chargers don't

24
For those of you who don’t watch 24, kindly skip over this blog and go on to the next one. It’s not that I don’t care about those of you who don’t find good tv, but you’ll be bored, and I’ll sound crazy rambling on about one man single handedly fighting an entire network of terrorist masterminds. Ok, and for right now, I don’t care about people who don’t find good tv. So go! Now!





Ok, I think they’re gone. Have CTU monitor they’re status to make sure they’ve gone onto the next blog. SO I just got done watching 1-3pm, the 2 hour episode. And I have one small problem right now with Jack. Let’s see, in 2 hours, Jack managed to track Morris through LA, find the terrorist hideout, disarm a nuclear bomb, and do his laundry. Laundry alone takes me 2 hours, let alone getting across LA at 2 in the afternoon.

But even with all of his superhuman feats, he misses the most obvious thing in the entire freakin episode! That his own father is obviously one of the supervillans! How did he miss him staring menacingly at him through the glass right before he left CTU?! Any moron knows that only supervillans stare at people menacingly from across the room. That’s like rule 3 or 4 of action hero training. And still off he goes on a wild goose chase to the west side of LA at 2:45. If you don’t know LA, that alone should take the next three episodes. Next week’s cliff hanger should be him hitting another traffic light at La Cienaga. Besides, remind me exactly why civilians are being allowed to wander around the headquarters of the elite counter terrorism unit of our government? Jack to Buchanon: “Where is my dad, whose company accidentally leaked nukes to terrorists?” Buchanon: “Oh, I think he’s examining your brother’s cell phone and wallet without supervision. It’s easier to cover evidence up that way.” Jack: “Shouldn’t we just let him into the basement to hack all of our computers? Buchanon: “God dammit Jack, we did that last season!”

Look, my advice to Jack is to assume that if a character comes around that is in any way related to you or is linked romantically, save us all a few minutes of the show by killing them immediately. We all know they’re gonna die, chances are he’s gonna kill them anyway, just get it over with. “Jack, your Grandma is here to see you.” “Quick! Give her 30 cc’s of… of fuck it.” BAM. That way we could have a decent body count by episode 1 of next season and it would save us all from the “granny running an underground organization hellbent on global domination” plot. Oh well.

Believe me, my venting does not mean that I don’t love the show. It’s great. But what’s a good action show/movie without a little armchair quarterbacking.

Speaking of which…. Why did San Diego fire Marty Schottenheimer now? I’m a Charge fan and am fine with the firing of a good regular season but lousy playoff coach who doesn’t get along with a genious GM. But why now? You lost Cam Cameron, who mark my words, will be next season’s Sean Payton/Eric Mangeni.

Chargers, you did it again. You are a few weeks away from the scouting combines without any of your top 3 coaching spots filled and all good coaches pretty much already having jobs. I don’t believe in curses on organizations. But I do believe that there are organizations worth cursing at.

What You Should Watch on TV

Too much TV is a bad thing, at least I’ve heard. But with the invention of the Tivo (arguably the best invention since air) and with the importance of being a human being that can relate to others (quoting the bible does not count) it’s just silly to not watch any. I know, you have some lame excuse like you’re a workaholic or you prefer to spend your evenings working out like an Olympian, but if you don’t have time to live in a mindless fantasy world for a few minutes every week then you might want put the laptop or dumbbells down for a minute or two, your arms are done.

So what follows are the TV choices that I am currently making. I’m not saying that these are the best shows on TV. But these ones are pretty darn good and they give you a little bit of everything. Feel free to adjust to your own tastes with one caveat, make sure at least 1 of the shows is completely retarded and mindless. If I catch you with your Tivo entirely filled with CNN and Discovery Channel specials then I will tie you down and make you watch an entire season of The Simple Life just to turn you back into a human being. Without any further weird menacing comments, here they are…

Entourage (HBO) – I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what it would be like to be a movie star. The show brings you into a fantasy where you can buy hundred thousand dollar cars, date models, and drive all over L.A. like you own the joint. And then of course there is Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold who plays the asshole we all wish we could sometimes be. Well worth the 14 bucks a month for HBO and well worth 30 minutes a week.

24 (FOX) – Won the Emmy for best drama. It’s an action thriller about a counter terrorist field agent extraordinaire. Need I say more?

Flavor of Love (VH1) – Okay, if you haven’t seen this one, trust me! I know, it sounds horrible. But it is horrible only in a completely fantastic way. 80’s rap icon Flava Flave lives in a house with about 20 girls vying for his affection. It’s a show basically about legal reality show polygamy complete with sex dates and a ridiculous cast of characters. This season, one of the girls is named “Crazy” and her arch-enemy is named “Boots.” I am guaranteeing an all out cat fight by the last episode. Watching them fight is better then anything boxing has had in 15 years. And on top of that, it manages to be a reality show while spoofing reality shows at the same time. I know that makes no sense, but Flave gives out enormous clock necklaces every week as his way of picking who he wants to stay! It’s thirty minutes of lunacy that I promise will make you feel better about your own life.

High Stakes Poker (Game Show Network) – I know, you and your buddies play poker, so why watch it on TV? Ever see one of your buddies bluff with $150,000 in rubber banded cash wads? This show has the best players in the world betting their own money, with unlimited rebuying and no increasing blinds. In other words this isn’t some tournament where a shoe repairman from Shreevilleport can force Chris Ferguson to have to call or risk being blinded off. This is people playing great poker and talking a lot of shit while doing it. They actually paid Mike Matasow eight thousand dollars so he would stay and keep playing in the game. That is cruel, funny, and priceless. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, skip this one.

The Daily Show/Colbert Report (Comedy Central) – These are crazy times we are living in. If you can’t hold a conversation about our dependence on Middle Eastern oil but do know what the cast of Laguna beach is wearing to prom, people will think you’re retarded. And they might be right! So grab at least these two shows as your one hour dose of daily news with 2 spoonfuls of comedy to help you get through it. Trust us, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry (from our world’s situation), and you’ll know enough not to sound stupid. Sounds like a plan!

So go out and pick your own five, set your Tivo, and make sure you watch enough TV.

Boycott Snakes on a Plane!!

Listen, I am NOT a movie snob. I am not the type of person to say that "The Green Mile" was a good movie because it was long and sad or that "Beetlejuice" was a bad movie because the main characters head could spin around on his neck. I like entertaining movies and I don't think all movies need a point to them. I can easily justify spending 2 hours on a unique movie premise simply because it sounds fun. But nothing, and I mean NOTHIN' about "Snakes On a Plane" sounds interesting. I would rather spend two hours alphabetizing my socks then watch this plotless piece of crap. I'd bet you ten dollars that this was some half baked shitty script until someone's uncle got it a distribution deal as a favor to his worthless writing nephew. I mean how is it even possible with the 100 plus movies pitched everyday to the film studios that anyone heard the concept for snakes on a plane and thought... "Yes. Finally! I had to sit through a pitch today about a high stake international conflict and one about a retarded boy with cancer winning a gold medal and one about two buddies breaking out of prison and I thought today was total waste until finally someone pitched me something I could use... snakes on a plane!" Yeah I don't buy it either. It's nepotism. You owe me ten bucks.

But it is the ultimate example of brilliant marketing. And I do mean brilliant. Someone somewhere took a movie that should have struggled to get a deal with blockbuster to go straight to video and made it into one of the biggest movies of the summer. They found a star that fit the campy movie genre to a tee, did a huge internet and viral push, and even set up a feature on their website where you can have sam jackson call your friends to remind them to see the movie. (Don't bother, its not not interesting.) But couldn't they have done all that for a good movie? How come they didn't have Steve Carell instant message me to go see "little miss sunshine?"

Look, I am all for good marketing, but if we as a movie going populace fall for this game and run to go see this movie, then we are letting them dictate to us what we want made. We are choosing to watch a bad movie (the director would even tell you that) over some other very good unique films that are out right now. We are
buying the shit flavored yogurt when chocolate chip is right around the corner.

But more then anything, I beg, I plead, I throw myself on the mercy of Hollywood. Please don't let this movie become a trend setter. In a town where everyone copies everyone, I do not want to see future summer movie space wasted on "Ducks With Lasers," "Rabid Wolves on Boats," or anything with a 900 foot snake with feelings. Oh, and one more thing... Do not under any circumstance make a sequal to this movie. I already don't buy the premise that a crime lord would choose to assinate a key witness by smuggling over 100 snakes past Delta security. But if you even try to tell me that they were able to do it again, I will boycott every movie that studio ever makes. I know that sounds harsh, but we have to make a stand sometime or else Antonio Banderas will be calling you next month to see "Formulaic Action 9."

Lesbian NEXT is the best!

MTV is truly the master of garbage tv. The network that has brought you "The Real World," "Punk'd," "The Osbournes," and "Laguna Beach" has finally outdone themselves. It's not so much the idea of this masterpiece that makes it what it is, it's the execution and producing that kills it. They have nailed a formula of good casting, funny premise, and ridiculous conflict. The gem I am talking about is known as "NEXT," although it could have just as easily been called "The Super Fantastic Humiliation Hour" or "Hotties and Retards."

For those of you who have missed this pop-culture nugget, it's a dating show that consists of one main person (usually this person is fairly normal with one bizarre fetish that themes the date.) and 5 other competitors who are held on a bus like dating cattle until one by one they try to woo the main person into asking them out on a second date. Nothing too special yet... but MTV somehow manages to find a mix of completely beautiful but worthless people and mixes them with a few others that could be found performing at a circus... "This week on Next we have a midgit with terrett's, a one legged racist, a toothless unisex and two others who I am being kind in calling them slutty retards. Stay tuned!" Oh, don't worry, I will MTV. I can't wait to see Dan the bland reject these girls one at a time until one of the worthless hotties comes out and returns the favor.

Now each date is timed and for every minute that they are on the date for, the competitor gets 1 dollar. (The low stakes are brilliant as I'll explain later) and at any time the main dater can end the date by saying "next" which really just means "I'd rather take my chances with MTV's roulette wheel of freaks then spend one more breath with your ugly ass." And at least once EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, 1 person gets rejected immediatly based completely on their appearance. But it never ends there! This humiliation bestoed upon them on national TV always prompts them to rip into their rejector. What you end up with is one of those fights that when you see them in real life can actually make a trip to the mall the best part of your day. Here is a decent one....



And yes to answer the question you didn't ask,they do always freeze frame the person when they walk out of the bus and then put up a graphics with the person's most embarrassing life moments. Why anyone would tell a sleezy reality tv producer that they once humped a pumpkin? Not sure, but thank you, you made my week.

Sometimes the rejections go the other way, and this too is brilliant. Sometimes the date goes on for thirty to forty minutes when the main dater gives the producer's proposition to his/her suitor... Take a second date with me or keep the dollar per minute that you've earned. Now if they had gone with even the mild stakes of 10 dollars a minute, you could see how it would be reasonable for someone to want or maybe even really need 360 dollars. But at 1 dollar a minute! That's a complete and total rejection for someone to cash in 36 bucks rather then see you again. That is complete humiliation on national tv. It's the ultimate "I like you and think this could be something special, would you be willing to get to know me a little better? No thank you, I'd rather buy 9 magazines" moment.

But if you think that's bad, then you obviously don't watch enough, because every once in awhile MTV hits the freak casting jackpot on this show. I'm talking finding someone who would rather pee themselves on national tv then spend one more minute with the douchebag that mtv set them up with. Think I'm kidding...



But better then any of this is about 1 out of every 6 episeodes or so when the producers throw together a lesbian episode. Bingo! That's right, 6 hot lesbians in every show! Four on the bus and two on a date at any one time, trying to impress each other while being given their 5 minutes of fame. And I swear MTV must have an open bar during the shoot, because these girls go crazy...



Can I get an amen! Look, I'm a writer, so I want reality TV to go away as soon as anyone does. But can we keep just this one... please!

Scot