Lesbian NEXT is the best!

MTV is truly the master of garbage tv. The network that has brought you "The Real World," "Punk'd," "The Osbournes," and "Laguna Beach" has finally outdone themselves. It's not so much the idea of this masterpiece that makes it what it is, it's the execution and producing that kills it. They have nailed a formula of good casting, funny premise, and ridiculous conflict. The gem I am talking about is known as "NEXT," although it could have just as easily been called "The Super Fantastic Humiliation Hour" or "Hotties and Retards."

For those of you who have missed this pop-culture nugget, it's a dating show that consists of one main person (usually this person is fairly normal with one bizarre fetish that themes the date.) and 5 other competitors who are held on a bus like dating cattle until one by one they try to woo the main person into asking them out on a second date. Nothing too special yet... but MTV somehow manages to find a mix of completely beautiful but worthless people and mixes them with a few others that could be found performing at a circus... "This week on Next we have a midgit with terrett's, a one legged racist, a toothless unisex and two others who I am being kind in calling them slutty retards. Stay tuned!" Oh, don't worry, I will MTV. I can't wait to see Dan the bland reject these girls one at a time until one of the worthless hotties comes out and returns the favor.

Now each date is timed and for every minute that they are on the date for, the competitor gets 1 dollar. (The low stakes are brilliant as I'll explain later) and at any time the main dater can end the date by saying "next" which really just means "I'd rather take my chances with MTV's roulette wheel of freaks then spend one more breath with your ugly ass." And at least once EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, 1 person gets rejected immediatly based completely on their appearance. But it never ends there! This humiliation bestoed upon them on national TV always prompts them to rip into their rejector. What you end up with is one of those fights that when you see them in real life can actually make a trip to the mall the best part of your day. Here is a decent one....



And yes to answer the question you didn't ask,they do always freeze frame the person when they walk out of the bus and then put up a graphics with the person's most embarrassing life moments. Why anyone would tell a sleezy reality tv producer that they once humped a pumpkin? Not sure, but thank you, you made my week.

Sometimes the rejections go the other way, and this too is brilliant. Sometimes the date goes on for thirty to forty minutes when the main dater gives the producer's proposition to his/her suitor... Take a second date with me or keep the dollar per minute that you've earned. Now if they had gone with even the mild stakes of 10 dollars a minute, you could see how it would be reasonable for someone to want or maybe even really need 360 dollars. But at 1 dollar a minute! That's a complete and total rejection for someone to cash in 36 bucks rather then see you again. That is complete humiliation on national tv. It's the ultimate "I like you and think this could be something special, would you be willing to get to know me a little better? No thank you, I'd rather buy 9 magazines" moment.

But if you think that's bad, then you obviously don't watch enough, because every once in awhile MTV hits the freak casting jackpot on this show. I'm talking finding someone who would rather pee themselves on national tv then spend one more minute with the douchebag that mtv set them up with. Think I'm kidding...



But better then any of this is about 1 out of every 6 episeodes or so when the producers throw together a lesbian episode. Bingo! That's right, 6 hot lesbians in every show! Four on the bus and two on a date at any one time, trying to impress each other while being given their 5 minutes of fame. And I swear MTV must have an open bar during the shoot, because these girls go crazy...



Can I get an amen! Look, I'm a writer, so I want reality TV to go away as soon as anyone does. But can we keep just this one... please!

Scot