Street Performer hiddem camera goes wrong

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Bloom Sachets, World's Greatest Street Performer - Hidden Camera

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vote or be pummeled by an aluminum bat

yes, an extreme title to say the least. But the fact is that someone has to shake the hell out of us to remind us all of the responsibility we have. We live in the country that shapes the direction of our entire planet. As citizens of that country we have the right to shape the policies of the entire world through our vote!

Fact: PEOPLE ARE KILLING AND DYING FOR THE RIGHT TO VOTE
Fact: More people vote for the American Idol then for our congress
Fact: America is in as bad of shape as its been in most people's lifetime.

Look I've never met anyone who didn't think they were pretty smart. Most of my friends spend 5 hours a week on their fantasy football team. So why in the hell don't people spend a few hours (at least the week of the election) and figure out what direction our country should be going?

Well I don't totally understand our apathy, but I do have a few thoughts on why...

1. There is an overload of misleading and partisan material that people do not feel as if they can get the truth in a reasonible amount of time. They feel like trying to figure out what/who to vote for is a lost cause.

2. People want things to work out without putting the work in. Part of this is just pure laziness and part of it is that our society has just gotten too complex and success driven. Many people I know that are both brilliant and hard workers are so focused on their own individual success that they do not spend any time trying to help the country. They're career and personal lives take all of their time and the last thing they want to do after our society's new 70 hour work week is to read about politics.

3. American Idol is a really very entertaining show.

4. The last few generations were not raised to be politically active. Now I don't know about you, but when I was young we didn't discuss politics at our dinner table. In fact our dinner table was often on the couch with frozen food or fast food and the conversations revolved around Melrose place. People have gotten used to things being okay without their participation... so why start now?

5. There is no great leaders to rally the people. Look, think what you want about George Bush, John Kerry, or Al Gore, but the fact is that none of them inspire. What ever happened to "ask not what your country can do for you..." or "I have a dream..." Our country really needs someone that strikes an emotional chord. Someone that makes them want to participate, vote, pay attention, and care at their very core! (Ryan Seacrest in '08.)

Look there is no quick fix. Our country is at an alltime low for respect around the world, security of our planet, people's envolvement, and leadership. Those are problems that will not be solved by any single election, speech, or blog. But we have to start somewhere. If we all just cared a little bit more. Talk to your friends and family about what is happening, vote, read a few articles, write a letter to your congressional representative about something, foward a political email, sign a petition, write a blog, go to a rally, or anything else that feels like your part. Just remember that if you sit around and wait for everyone else to do something then you have sacrificed the greatest single right you have.

"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" -Rush

Lets turn a corner america.
Scot

The World Report - Oct 20, 2006

The World Report - Sep 29.06

A new daily vidlog I'm doing with my writing partner Ben Gleib. We cover the biggest and funniest of what's happening.
Check it out!

Map of Your Life

**Sorry folks, decided to take a break from trying to be funny for once. Just wanted to ramble on some thoughts on being successful, happy, and living well...

In American life we all have the constant struggle of finding the balance between trying to succeed and trying to enjoy life. This comes up in so many ways in our everyday lives. If you eat a doughnut, you'll enjoy it, but it will hurt your quest to be thin... If you take that 2 week trip to Europe, you'll have life-long memories, but you may get passed up for that promotion you want. The question we must all answer is how do we value these things. In order to do this, we must first decide what our individual value system is. To come up with it, we must answer some very tough, soul searching questions that don't have right and wrong answers. For me, a few of the questions are... "how much do I really care what others think?," "do I care more about my own happiness or the happiness of other people?," and "how important is money?" Now if you quickly answered... "I don't care," "other people's happiness," and "not importsnt at all" then you had better be helping Somolian orphins to learn calculus and I'd still question that you don't care what people think. But my main point is that any answer to these questions is totally valid and fine, as long as they are your true choices. The mistake that people too often make is not ever answering these types of questions and letting your surroundings dictate your answers. Society often tells us that money and success is more valuable then free time. If you don't think this is true, then tell me why our average work week is much longer then almost every other country in the world? We just come out of the womb as work-a-holics? How do you think people would look at you if you worked 3 days a week and just never planned on buying a house or a nice car? In many circles you would be looked at as a loser. But if you don't care what people thought and had enough to get by, couldn't a 20 hour work week be THE BEST CHOICE to be happy?! The fact that this is considered an unworthy way to live to me is very sad. Now am I saying that is the best way to live? Hell no. I personally have things I want to accomplish because I will be happier that way. Achievement is a high value for me. Having said that, I all the time find myself chosing things like an afternoon basketball game, a family weekend, or a night out at a bar over staying home and working. Why? Well, family, friends, fun, and memories are all very high values for me as well.

Now I know this is where some smart ass is reading this and saying to himself... "This is hysterically simple... just find a job you love and you get both!" Well thank you Socrates, but in reality no matter how much we love our jobs, there will always be a fair amount of days that we'd rather not work at all. Now I'm not saying that the fictitious annoying smartass doesn't have a point. If you like or love your job then you are way better off. But it is far to simple minded to leave it at that. There are parts to every job that are less than fun, but often those are the parts that make you ultra successful. How much of them should you do? WHich is more valuable, your time in your 20's or your 60's? And what if the time you spent at your job cost you your marriage or your chances to meet that perfect someone? It may be obvious to say that our life is a product of all the choices we make, but bearing that in mind, shouldn't we reexamine these major life altering choices almost everyday?

Random question: Do you think people in small African villages have mid-life crises? I don't know for sure, but I'd guess no. I think that mid-life crisis are our way of going...

"Holy shit! I've been making a whole crapload of huge decisions with my life and I never really stopped to think about any of them! Boy I wish I had thought of this earlier... Do I want children?... Uh, I guess I don't really have a choice anymore. I hope it's not my turn to clean the poop."

Or something like that.

Hell, people have started having quarter life crises which I personally think is a step in the right direction! It means that people are asking those questions 25 years earlier! I can only hope that the next generation starts having 1/12 life crisis at age 9. At the end of the day, all I'm trying to say is that we all need to spend a little time each day searching our souls for the map of our lives. Because if we don't, then we'll end up following our parent's map, or society's map, or some map we found crumpled up in the back parking lot of an Arbie's, and while those may all lead you to have a decent, happy life or a homeless guy's shoe collection, those will never lead you to the life you were meant to have. Because those answers can only be found within you. As for me, I'm gonna to do some script writing, eat a doughnut, and then get some sleep. Enjoy the trip and I hope you have the time of your life.

-Scot

War?

People are always saying “war is not the answer.” Which sounds smart and makes a great bumper sticker, but doesn’t that statement really depend on what the question is? Say for instance the question is “what’s it called when 2 countries fight each other with armies?” then the answer actually is war. Or what about if someone asks “what was World War 2?” Or “What is the dumbest casino game?” Again, war really is the best answer for those 2 quality questions as well. So now I know you are sitting there thinking that obviously war is always the answer. But unfortunately it is not that simple. You see there are many times that war is not even close to the answer. With real life questions like “What do you want for lunch?” “Can I borrow your homework?” or “Do you think Mariah Carey is a robot?” There are many times when people will look at you like a complete and total retard if you just shout out war as your answer to their question. So what percentage of the time is war a legitimate answer? Well if you are a democrat, then it is he correct answer .003% of the time. If you are a republican, then it is the correct answer 6% of the time. And if you are a terrorist, then you can really answer any question with it, but you may want to call it Gihad or your friends will shoot you. I hope this helps in answering all of the war and non-war related questions in your life.

Jesus Under Pressure: Does He Still Have It?

In his prime, Jesus could walk on water, turn water to wine (he was good with water tricks), and disappear from caves about as well as anyone. As far as saviors go, he was one of the best. But it’s 2006 now and Jesus is a lot older now. You see, most prophets peak between age 25 and 50. He is now a tad over 2000 years old. He no longer has his thin physique or thick brown beard. He probably looks more like Santa Claus or possibly Dick Clark if he’s kept up with styles. Look, I hate to be the one to bring it up, but these facts beg the question “does Jesus still have it?”

By the time you are done reading this, I’m sure my inbox is full of Christians writing angry emails about how he’ll always have it. But I ask you, did Michael Jordan still have it when he came back to the Wizards? Did Marlon Brando still have it when he did that stupid heist movie with Edward Norton? Or did Yoda still have it when he lived on that swampy dump of a planet?

And they were all still very good! Yoda could lift airplanes with his mind, Jordan could lift the level of his teammates play, and Marlon Brando could lift a sandwich like he was gonna hump it as convincingly as any actor ever could. But none of them were what they were in their prime.

Now in today’s world, 25% of the world’s population (Christians) believes that Jesus will return one day, rock like the old days, and fix things up all swell for him and his followers. But that’s a lot of God damn (pardon me) pressure! Would you want the pressure of one fourth of the world expecting you to fix every problem on earth? What if he David Blaine’s it and bails out of his staying underwater for 9 minutes trick? What if he accidentally turns Ed Bradley into a fish while doing sixty minutes or falls in a pool at Paris Hilton’s birthday party? He would embarrass not only himself but an awful lot of Christians who’ve been shouting about his big comeback for years. That would be disaster! Pretty soon Tony Kornheiser will start arguing on PTI that Jesus wouldn’t be a top 10 cover corner in the NFL. Christian churches would start saying that Peter was really the brains behind the whole calendar resetting and bible writing and that he’s the man.

So I will ask a tough question: Are we sure we want him to come back? If he never comes back then we will all remember him as the man. We’ll all continue to strive to be like him. We’ll continue to ask “What would Jesus do?” and pretend to know the answer. (In most situations I think he’d turn a bunch of water into wine and through a huge party.) Sometimes things are better left in memory. Jesus Christ has done a lot for society as a symbol. He helps us through our lives, makes an excellent exclamation when something surprising happens, makes jewelry that is always fashionable, and carries us on the beach in tough times. Maybe it’s time we paid him back by not being so demanding. He’s no spring chicken anymore, so why don’t we just let him enjoy retirement in peace.

Check out more of scot’s writing at scotrichardson.com

What You Should Watch on TV

Too much TV is a bad thing, at least I’ve heard. But with the invention of the Tivo (arguably the best invention since air) and with the importance of being a human being that can relate to others (quoting the bible does not count) it’s just silly to not watch any. I know, you have some lame excuse like you’re a workaholic or you prefer to spend your evenings working out like an Olympian, but if you don’t have time to live in a mindless fantasy world for a few minutes every week then you might want put the laptop or dumbbells down for a minute or two, your arms are done.

So what follows are the TV choices that I am currently making. I’m not saying that these are the best shows on TV. But these ones are pretty darn good and they give you a little bit of everything. Feel free to adjust to your own tastes with one caveat, make sure at least 1 of the shows is completely retarded and mindless. If I catch you with your Tivo entirely filled with CNN and Discovery Channel specials then I will tie you down and make you watch an entire season of The Simple Life just to turn you back into a human being. Without any further weird menacing comments, here they are…

Entourage (HBO) – I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what it would be like to be a movie star. The show brings you into a fantasy where you can buy hundred thousand dollar cars, date models, and drive all over L.A. like you own the joint. And then of course there is Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold who plays the asshole we all wish we could sometimes be. Well worth the 14 bucks a month for HBO and well worth 30 minutes a week.

24 (FOX) – Won the Emmy for best drama. It’s an action thriller about a counter terrorist field agent extraordinaire. Need I say more?

Flavor of Love (VH1) – Okay, if you haven’t seen this one, trust me! I know, it sounds horrible. But it is horrible only in a completely fantastic way. 80’s rap icon Flava Flave lives in a house with about 20 girls vying for his affection. It’s a show basically about legal reality show polygamy complete with sex dates and a ridiculous cast of characters. This season, one of the girls is named “Crazy” and her arch-enemy is named “Boots.” I am guaranteeing an all out cat fight by the last episode. Watching them fight is better then anything boxing has had in 15 years. And on top of that, it manages to be a reality show while spoofing reality shows at the same time. I know that makes no sense, but Flave gives out enormous clock necklaces every week as his way of picking who he wants to stay! It’s thirty minutes of lunacy that I promise will make you feel better about your own life.

High Stakes Poker (Game Show Network) – I know, you and your buddies play poker, so why watch it on TV? Ever see one of your buddies bluff with $150,000 in rubber banded cash wads? This show has the best players in the world betting their own money, with unlimited rebuying and no increasing blinds. In other words this isn’t some tournament where a shoe repairman from Shreevilleport can force Chris Ferguson to have to call or risk being blinded off. This is people playing great poker and talking a lot of shit while doing it. They actually paid Mike Matasow eight thousand dollars so he would stay and keep playing in the game. That is cruel, funny, and priceless. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, skip this one.

The Daily Show/Colbert Report (Comedy Central) – These are crazy times we are living in. If you can’t hold a conversation about our dependence on Middle Eastern oil but do know what the cast of Laguna beach is wearing to prom, people will think you’re retarded. And they might be right! So grab at least these two shows as your one hour dose of daily news with 2 spoonfuls of comedy to help you get through it. Trust us, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry (from our world’s situation), and you’ll know enough not to sound stupid. Sounds like a plan!

So go out and pick your own five, set your Tivo, and make sure you watch enough TV.

Radio Shack Fires 400 Employees by email

Really, they did.
if ya wanna read it

To me, this begs two very important questions....

1) What if the people who were fired had Radio Shack computers and therefore still do not have email?
-Really this is a lot like the old "if a tree falls in a forest and there isn't anyone to hear it" scenario. If the company used Radio Shack computers to send the email and then the employees use Radio Shack computers for such things as DOS commands and solitaire or whatever else RS's computers are now capable of, my bet is that 398 of the employees never get the message and continue to show up for work. I hope there is a follow up story.

2)How in the hell is Radio Shack even in business anymore?
-I'll start with the obvious...the name. Radio's aren't quite the newfangled invention they once were and somehow the word shack does not spark thoughts of top of the line electronics to me. So maybe the name is fitting, because the second problem with Radio Shack is that they don't sell anything worth buying unless you happen to own many electronic devices from the 80's. They literally still sell remote control cars, walkie-talkies, and electronic battleship. And I actually think some of these items might be marked "new." What electronic device would you actually go to radio shack to buy? I've been in them a dozen or so times in my life and the only thing I have ever given them money for is speaker wire. I think their only customers might be ex-marines turned handymen. They may want to update the business plan a little.

And to all of you who did get fired by email... That's pretty lame. But look at the gi-normous upside... you're not working at f'in radio shack anymore!!

keep rockin,
Scot

some predictions for the year 2080

*George Bush XII will be elected President of the United States with 11% of the popular vote and the help of George Bush XI's "red states are worth triple law."

*The Palestinians will help broker a cease fire between Utah and California as tensions flare between the world's 2 super religions, Mormonism and Scientology.

*Brazil will slow down production of bananas, thus raising the cost of fuel for people's rockets. Especially upset are SUV rocket owners.

*Dick Clark will once again have his head cryogenetically unfrozen and dropped in Times Square to ring in the new year.

*Mexico will grant amnesty to all Americans currently living in Mexico, but will step up border security.

*The number one broadcast network will be YouTube.

*The PDA eyeball will be a popular L. Ron Hubard Day present.

*Black tar Heroin will be made legal for "medical" use when it is discovered that it cures mild indigestion and is no worse for you then margarine.

*The United States Exxon/Coca-Cola Congress will pass the "no corporation left behind" statute to help less fortunate corporations who can only profit at a 3rd world level.

*Maddox Jolie-Pitt will be elected head of the United Nations.

*A United States little leaguer will be disqualified at the Little League world series when suspicion of his size 13 hat uncovers a doping scandal.

*A Dominican little league baseball player will be disqualified when it is discovered that he Albert Puljols.

*A Chinese little league baseball player will be disqualified when it is discovered that he is a robot.

*The Chicago Cubs will be one out from winning the World Series when a freak hurricane will kill 15 of their players causing them to forfit.

*People will reminisce about the simpler times at the turn of the millenium when as they remember it, there was good tv, politicians were honest, housing prices were fair, girls dressed respectably, and everybody got along.

Scot

Boycott Snakes on a Plane!!

Listen, I am NOT a movie snob. I am not the type of person to say that "The Green Mile" was a good movie because it was long and sad or that "Beetlejuice" was a bad movie because the main characters head could spin around on his neck. I like entertaining movies and I don't think all movies need a point to them. I can easily justify spending 2 hours on a unique movie premise simply because it sounds fun. But nothing, and I mean NOTHIN' about "Snakes On a Plane" sounds interesting. I would rather spend two hours alphabetizing my socks then watch this plotless piece of crap. I'd bet you ten dollars that this was some half baked shitty script until someone's uncle got it a distribution deal as a favor to his worthless writing nephew. I mean how is it even possible with the 100 plus movies pitched everyday to the film studios that anyone heard the concept for snakes on a plane and thought... "Yes. Finally! I had to sit through a pitch today about a high stake international conflict and one about a retarded boy with cancer winning a gold medal and one about two buddies breaking out of prison and I thought today was total waste until finally someone pitched me something I could use... snakes on a plane!" Yeah I don't buy it either. It's nepotism. You owe me ten bucks.

But it is the ultimate example of brilliant marketing. And I do mean brilliant. Someone somewhere took a movie that should have struggled to get a deal with blockbuster to go straight to video and made it into one of the biggest movies of the summer. They found a star that fit the campy movie genre to a tee, did a huge internet and viral push, and even set up a feature on their website where you can have sam jackson call your friends to remind them to see the movie. (Don't bother, its not not interesting.) But couldn't they have done all that for a good movie? How come they didn't have Steve Carell instant message me to go see "little miss sunshine?"

Look, I am all for good marketing, but if we as a movie going populace fall for this game and run to go see this movie, then we are letting them dictate to us what we want made. We are choosing to watch a bad movie (the director would even tell you that) over some other very good unique films that are out right now. We are
buying the shit flavored yogurt when chocolate chip is right around the corner.

But more then anything, I beg, I plead, I throw myself on the mercy of Hollywood. Please don't let this movie become a trend setter. In a town where everyone copies everyone, I do not want to see future summer movie space wasted on "Ducks With Lasers," "Rabid Wolves on Boats," or anything with a 900 foot snake with feelings. Oh, and one more thing... Do not under any circumstance make a sequal to this movie. I already don't buy the premise that a crime lord would choose to assinate a key witness by smuggling over 100 snakes past Delta security. But if you even try to tell me that they were able to do it again, I will boycott every movie that studio ever makes. I know that sounds harsh, but we have to make a stand sometime or else Antonio Banderas will be calling you next month to see "Formulaic Action 9."

Lesbian NEXT is the best!

MTV is truly the master of garbage tv. The network that has brought you "The Real World," "Punk'd," "The Osbournes," and "Laguna Beach" has finally outdone themselves. It's not so much the idea of this masterpiece that makes it what it is, it's the execution and producing that kills it. They have nailed a formula of good casting, funny premise, and ridiculous conflict. The gem I am talking about is known as "NEXT," although it could have just as easily been called "The Super Fantastic Humiliation Hour" or "Hotties and Retards."

For those of you who have missed this pop-culture nugget, it's a dating show that consists of one main person (usually this person is fairly normal with one bizarre fetish that themes the date.) and 5 other competitors who are held on a bus like dating cattle until one by one they try to woo the main person into asking them out on a second date. Nothing too special yet... but MTV somehow manages to find a mix of completely beautiful but worthless people and mixes them with a few others that could be found performing at a circus... "This week on Next we have a midgit with terrett's, a one legged racist, a toothless unisex and two others who I am being kind in calling them slutty retards. Stay tuned!" Oh, don't worry, I will MTV. I can't wait to see Dan the bland reject these girls one at a time until one of the worthless hotties comes out and returns the favor.

Now each date is timed and for every minute that they are on the date for, the competitor gets 1 dollar. (The low stakes are brilliant as I'll explain later) and at any time the main dater can end the date by saying "next" which really just means "I'd rather take my chances with MTV's roulette wheel of freaks then spend one more breath with your ugly ass." And at least once EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, 1 person gets rejected immediatly based completely on their appearance. But it never ends there! This humiliation bestoed upon them on national TV always prompts them to rip into their rejector. What you end up with is one of those fights that when you see them in real life can actually make a trip to the mall the best part of your day. Here is a decent one....



And yes to answer the question you didn't ask,they do always freeze frame the person when they walk out of the bus and then put up a graphics with the person's most embarrassing life moments. Why anyone would tell a sleezy reality tv producer that they once humped a pumpkin? Not sure, but thank you, you made my week.

Sometimes the rejections go the other way, and this too is brilliant. Sometimes the date goes on for thirty to forty minutes when the main dater gives the producer's proposition to his/her suitor... Take a second date with me or keep the dollar per minute that you've earned. Now if they had gone with even the mild stakes of 10 dollars a minute, you could see how it would be reasonable for someone to want or maybe even really need 360 dollars. But at 1 dollar a minute! That's a complete and total rejection for someone to cash in 36 bucks rather then see you again. That is complete humiliation on national tv. It's the ultimate "I like you and think this could be something special, would you be willing to get to know me a little better? No thank you, I'd rather buy 9 magazines" moment.

But if you think that's bad, then you obviously don't watch enough, because every once in awhile MTV hits the freak casting jackpot on this show. I'm talking finding someone who would rather pee themselves on national tv then spend one more minute with the douchebag that mtv set them up with. Think I'm kidding...



But better then any of this is about 1 out of every 6 episeodes or so when the producers throw together a lesbian episode. Bingo! That's right, 6 hot lesbians in every show! Four on the bus and two on a date at any one time, trying to impress each other while being given their 5 minutes of fame. And I swear MTV must have an open bar during the shoot, because these girls go crazy...



Can I get an amen! Look, I'm a writer, so I want reality TV to go away as soon as anyone does. But can we keep just this one... please!

Scot

Terrorists Are Really Very Incredibly Dumb.

Terrorists had their plot to blow up 10 planes flying from England to the US thwarted today. Some people would say this shows the briliance of the UK and US's security and intelligence, but I know better. This is simply a sign of how dumb terrorists really are. And I'm talking really really dumb.

We all remember as kids watching Wile E. Coyote excitedly open his Acme box complete with trampeline, explosives, cannon, chewing gum, schematics, and ginormous machete. And immedietly you always new that he was going to end up launching himself in the air, holding up a sign that says "uh oh," cutting himself into sausage size pieces and then blowing the pieces up for good measure. But Wile E. was a cartoon character, not a real life terrorist mastermind/part time cleric. The difference is that HE was supposed to be stupid.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm glad that they're dumb. In fact I hope none of them read american comedy blogs. I would feel horrible if this blog made them realize that they're the modern equivalent of a retarded cartoon villan and got their act together. But I don't think they do too much research, and since my mom can't even find my site, I'll risk it...

1. Why airplanes?
What does killing westerners, striking fear in the hearts of regular people, and damaging infrastructure have to do with airplanes? The answer... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
This is what I imagine a terrorist planning meeting would sound like...

Junior Terrorist: "I was thinking, instead of having to sneek tiny explosive devices that we have to carry on us past metal detectors and huge amounts of security personal scrutinizing every Middle Eastern person, we could just drive an A-team van full of explosives into any parking garage of an unguarded apartment or office building and kill lots of infidels!"

Senior Terrorist: "No. We only blow up planes. Buildings no good. No stewardesses"

2. Spend some damn money on costumes!
Look, I know they probably don't have a Hollywood make-up department on speed dial, but if you're gonna invest millions into getting even with infidels, you might want to try not to look like the typew of person who spends millions of dollars to get even with infidels. And I am NOT saying that all Middle Eastern people are terrorists. I'm just saying that almost all terrorists are Middle Eastern. It's kinda of a good early waring sign that security has to go on. And if FX can make white people look black and vice versa for a fairly cheap reality show, then they could too. And hey, I bet even a sombrero and a white tank top would do the trick at most airports.

3. Quantity over Quality
Look, we all want every plan of our to work perfectly. But this is the real world. Salesmen call many more people then they plan to sell to, hockey players take 100 shots to score once, and terrorists come up with about 1 plot a year. What exactly are they doing...waiting on the acme shipment to arrive at their cave? Get off your rock.

4. Stop Being Terrorists
I know this one is kinda out of left field for terrorists, but I think it's worth mentioning that there really are better ane more interesting dreams and professions to chase then terrorism.

Well I hope that they follow none of these suggestions and continue to suck ass at blowing things up. In the meantime... MeepMeep!
Scot

Should Jews Forgive Mel Gibson?

No.
No.
Ummm, maybe..NO!

Why should we? If he was a ten year old child, I would. If he had never met a Jewish person, I would. But he works in Hollywood, is surrounded by Jews, is a grown man, and is afforded anything that money can buy. This includes education, the ability to travel, research, and access to meet almost anyone he wants.

He made the choice to be an anti-semetic asshole. So Rabbis, stop inviting him to speak at the high holidays, it's insulting. Heads of Jewish organizations, stop asking the community to forgive him. Let him show progress, show change, then lets talk.

Because I am sick and tired of this PR bullshit that tells us that people's opinion changed overnight after receiving bad press. What, he hated Jews yesterday but after finding out he had just horribly damaged his career and public image he remembered how much he enjoys a good game of dreidel?

So one overpaid windbag asshole historically retarded washed up actor doesn't like Jews? Okay. I can live with that. But you are not geting my ten bucks anymore, and I hope no Jews in high positions ever give you another job. Why should people forgive you? One of the problems with society is that people want forgiveness but aren't willing to work for it other then issuing a statement. So I'll put the same amount of effort into this as you did. Here's my statement...Fuck you you anti-semetic asshole. Jews are not the cause of war around the world, ignorant people who only see their own point of view are. People who believe so fanatically in their own religion that other religions are evil in their eyes are. Sound like anyone you know, Mel? If not, grab a mirror and look at your ignorant, drunk driving, biggoted mug in the mirror. Change first, then we'll talk forgiveness.
Scot

Week of Doom

Have you eve had a week so bad that by thursday you just don't want to get out of bed? One of those weeks where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING goes wrong. Even the little stuff. Check that, especially the little stuff. But to the point where the little stuff adds up to feel like one of those disaster scenes from a slapstick comedy where the main character accidently lights himself on fire after seemingly losing the girl, his job, and his best friend with in a matter of minutes.

And somehow the character never seems to be hurt from being ablaze for several minutes and always gets the girl back. Unfortunately first degree burns hurt in the real world. A lot. I found that out during the week of doom. Yes, recently I had a week that would have made a perfect middle section to Ben Stiller's next movie.

I won't get into every detail, because the internet isn't big enough, but here are a few of the highlights... Cracked a tooth, needed a root canal, got a temperary filling because the dentist did not have time to finish root canal before leaving town, got a parking ticket for 45 bucks, got a speeding ticket, found out that the girl I like is now seeing someone who plays soccer (i hate guys who play soccer), cracked my temporary filling while the dentist was on vacation, got a permanent stain on one of the only shirts that makes me look cool, lost the biggest gig of my writing career (biggie), lost my voice without having shouted, sprained an ankle playing basketball, lost 300 dollars playing poker figuring I was owed some gambling karma, and finally ordered chinese food for dinner and it NEVER came.

Now the last one doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it happened to be the straw that broke the back of my frustration camel. He is now dead. Very sad. I had had enough. My plan was to spend an evening inside my apartment, watching tv other then news, where nothing could go wrong. I wouldn't even leave to get dinner I thought, delivery sounds safe. What could possibly happen wrong with that? Sure I could get food poisoning, but that could happen with any food I figured.

Now I live at a very large centralized apartment building in Hollywood and most days I end up with 7 menus jammed in my door. So I flipped through the 197 delivery menus that I had kept, 194 of which were pizza places which sounded boring (hindsight), one was indian which sounded too risky during a normal week, one was called the steak depot which sounded like a good place for anyone ordering an entire cow, and then there was a chinese place called "Star Wok." This didn't quite ring authentic, but i figured that was okay in a week where I really just craved non disasters. So I dialed. 8:03pm on my cell phone.

I called wondering where my food was at 9:15. "We are very busy, he had 3 whole deliveries to make" she said without the sarcastic word "whole" in the sentence. So I accepted this bad news (you get used to it in a week like this) and waited a little longer. 9:36 I could have hit up all three corners of the greater los angeles area AND made homemade eggrolls by now I thought to myself as I called back. This time she claimed to have just spoken with the driver and he was now en route only moments away. I hasselled her some more as it had been an hour and a half now. She agreed to give me 25% off. I wanted to cancel the order on principal but discount chinese food only moments away sounded too good to turn down. Principles can be put aside for sesame chicken in trying times like this.

And alas...after trashing much of my apartment in frustration i furiously tried calling back once more at 10:01. I would threaten law suits, the better business bureau, and possibly even to burn down their establishment. I was in my pajamas, I just needed chinese food. There was no answer. They had closed. The week of doom had struck again. Somehow it had contacted this establishment and told them not only to not serve me, but to taunt me by telling me it was constantly "on the way." My personal theory, they never even sent the delivery guy. Now lots of people have to get root canals, people lose jobs and girls all the time, and parking tickets are in my monthly budget. But I dare you to find someone who ever ordered delivery food and had it just not come. No one has ever had this happen. I believe that in the history of delivery food, I am the first. Sure it's been pathetically late for some people. Others have called ten minutes before closing and had them refuse to take the order that late, but never has anyone just had it not come!

Now the week has passed, and my luck certainly has been a bit better. Nothing good has happened, but the bad has stopped. So I'm on the lookout for something good. They always say that when one door closes, another door opens. I believe this. I'm hoping that this also translates into that when you have one of the shittiest weeks ever, you'll have an unbelievable amazing week to make up for it. One with lottery wins, supermodels, and 20 minute deliveries. I'll keep ya posted.

cheers
Scot

What the Real World Should Learn From College

Recently no one has asked me what the difference between the real world and college is, but if they had, I would have had an essays worth of ideas on things that the real world should take from college and incorporate into everyday life. “Like what?” you ask. Well…

Optional Three Hour Work Days
In searching for a job upon graduation, I looked everywhere for a high paying job where I could sign up for a few afternoon hours of work per week. The kind of job where there are enough employees that if I accidentally decided to get drunk and couldn’t make it any given day that I wouldn’t be missed. The kind of job that pushes you hard for a week or two a year and lets you cruise the rest of the time by copying off Asians. Unfortunately the real world seems to be stuck on this silly notion of eight hour days and earning your pay! To illustrate how stupid this is, just ask your average working Joe when the last time they went to Mexico with a stripper or if they've gotten drunk, put a paper bag on their head and lit it on fire on a Monday. The real world needs help. Case closed.



Work Exchange Program
When I had classes in college that actually included homework, there were some simple techniques for resourceful people like myself to efficiently remove this obstacle of happiness. I would simply tell one person that if I could copy their homework this week that I would let them copy mine next week. The person would agree and I would take their answers to another person and offer them this week’s homework in exchange for them letting me have next week’s homework. As a successful middle man, I didn’t do homework for the last 3 years of college. But upon graduating, I found out a horrible flaw in the real world…They make different people do different work! Maybe they have some bizarre sudo-logical reason for this, but it seems to me, college got it right.

A Forgivable 4 Year Period for Lesbianism
Girls in the real world never get drunk and kiss each other! Not even when you dare them too! College on the other hand has found a brilliant loophole that allows girls to kiss, grope, and fondle each other without ever being looked at twice. (Mostly because no one looks away.) Just imagine how much better the real world would be with this type of policy. Girl on girl meetings, off-sites, and a whole different type of office party!



Extra Holidays and Vacations
In the real world we rarely celebrate things. Most people get a lousy week off for Christmas and then a few scattered Mondays off. My thought on the matter… Where are the drunken Wednesdays and the bodily fluid exchange Thursdays?! Life is about celebration! Celebrating things by drinking ourselves retarded! Celebrating things like… spring break, fat Tuesday, pimps, ho’s, kwanza, Cinco de Mayo, Seis de Mayo, Fridays, Mash reruns, finishing a test, failing a test, football games, concerts, dropping a class, moon god festivals, sorority car washes, intramural bowling, birthdays of people you’ve never met, rush parties of fraternities you wouldn’t join, nude marathons, 2 for 1 beer nights, break-ups, and 4-20. Now that’s a calendar that I can respect.



Overall Quality of Life
As I write this complaining essay on a Tuesday night, I sit alone in my apartment. There is no loud music from down the hall, no pretty girls who need calculus help, and nobody chatting in a rec room or 24 hour cafeteria about blowjobs and conspiracy theories. In fact, in the real world you can’t even walk down the hall of your apartment building and introduce yourself to someone at midnight without having the police called. There are many unwritten rules like this in the real world that keep people from meeting new people, getting laid, and living life to the fullest. The truth is that the real world could learn a lot from college. And people know it too! People always talk about their college years as “the best time of their life” and write it off like some lost love from the past, but college isn’t about the classes, it’s really just a set of rules for living your life. We should all continue to live by those rules! Why not live by the rules that say if you start a beer you finish it, not the rules that say you can’t stay up past one on a work night. Think how much more fun you would have. And maybe you do have to work a little harder in the real world and that’s okay… Or maybe you just have to find a new set of loopholes.

Who in the Hezbollah is Hezbollah?

As the Middle East rages in conflict, I know many people are asking the all important question of who are these fanatical dumb-bell rocket launching meatheads known as Hezbollah? Now before you get your politically correct panties in a bunch, I need to clarify a few things…

1) I believe the Middle East itself is the very definition of grey area when it comes to land rights.
2) Number 1 does not excuse violent, terrorist, militant, aggressive acts.

Now Hezbollah is a multi-faceted organization with both a civilian side, a political side, and a militant side. They run hospitals, social services, and schools as well building roads and infrastructure. But they also kill lots of people! In fact, the Hezbollian flag happens to be a nice loud yellow with an arm holding a machine gun. It looks like something some guy from Nebraska nicknamed killer Jack would design on Photoshop to use as his paint ball insignia.



But that’s just a flag, right? Wrong. Hezbollah also hides missiles in schools, mosques, and family homes! The reported number of missiles they have is over 10,000. LINK I hear that many of their people keep the missiles in their pantries next to the peanut butter and crackers so they can be reminded about bloodshed every snack break!



So how do they afford all of this military might and crackers? Well Hezbollah is a crazy bitch with 2 sugar daddies. Whenever they need money and sometimes when they don’t, they call either Syria or Iran, and say something like “Hey baby, want me to blow (Israel up) like you like it? Oh, yeah baby, you know you like it when I’m a naughty little Hezbollah.” Now I have not actually heard these phone calls, but I am sure that is mostly what was said by some gruff sounding Islamic militant.



Hezbollah is also in the business of kidnapping, suicide bombings, launching rockets into civilian towns, and making ridiculous proclamations like, “Our work will not be done until all of Israel is destroyed.”

The bottom line is that Hezbollah is an organization of outdated ideas. In fact, it was founded on the idea of getting Israel to withdraw from Southern Lebanon. Guess what? Mission accomplished years ago! That is now officially an outdated idea! And what about suicide bombings, small scale rockets, and kidnappings? It’s all so 1983. (Not that they really made sense then either.) Simply put, there are much better ways to flourish as a society. Israel has withdrawn from Southern Lebanon. So you don’t like them? Big deal. I don’t like my neighbor either. But I’ve found it a lot better to ignore him and succeed in my life then to throw rocks through his god damn window and then have him key my car.

Now I do not claim to be quite wise enough to solve all of the problems in that part of the world, but I do know that the world would be able to advance and have peace much faster if the governments of the Middle East would stop supporting groups like this and instead focus on improving their own countries. Iran and Syria have the resources to be some of the richest countries in the world! And with economic leverage comes infinitely more power then your inaccurate pantry missiles. Iran has a legitimate chance of becoming one of the world’s most important and powerful countries but instead blows millions on some sort of vengeful dislike of Jews and Israel. A little clue here people, the land Israel is sitting on is the fucking Baltic of the Middle East.



So Syria and Iran, quit funding Hezbollah to be your mercenaries and start realizing that the world is now in the twenty first century. Wars should now be fought in board rooms and on stock markets, not with machine guns and home-made rockets.

And hey, Hezbollah, how about some more schools and hospitals and less missiles? And this time, how about business school instead of terrorist sleep away camp? Just an idea from the twenty first century.

Be Well
-Scot-