Week of Doom

Have you eve had a week so bad that by thursday you just don't want to get out of bed? One of those weeks where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING goes wrong. Even the little stuff. Check that, especially the little stuff. But to the point where the little stuff adds up to feel like one of those disaster scenes from a slapstick comedy where the main character accidently lights himself on fire after seemingly losing the girl, his job, and his best friend with in a matter of minutes.

And somehow the character never seems to be hurt from being ablaze for several minutes and always gets the girl back. Unfortunately first degree burns hurt in the real world. A lot. I found that out during the week of doom. Yes, recently I had a week that would have made a perfect middle section to Ben Stiller's next movie.

I won't get into every detail, because the internet isn't big enough, but here are a few of the highlights... Cracked a tooth, needed a root canal, got a temperary filling because the dentist did not have time to finish root canal before leaving town, got a parking ticket for 45 bucks, got a speeding ticket, found out that the girl I like is now seeing someone who plays soccer (i hate guys who play soccer), cracked my temporary filling while the dentist was on vacation, got a permanent stain on one of the only shirts that makes me look cool, lost the biggest gig of my writing career (biggie), lost my voice without having shouted, sprained an ankle playing basketball, lost 300 dollars playing poker figuring I was owed some gambling karma, and finally ordered chinese food for dinner and it NEVER came.

Now the last one doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it happened to be the straw that broke the back of my frustration camel. He is now dead. Very sad. I had had enough. My plan was to spend an evening inside my apartment, watching tv other then news, where nothing could go wrong. I wouldn't even leave to get dinner I thought, delivery sounds safe. What could possibly happen wrong with that? Sure I could get food poisoning, but that could happen with any food I figured.

Now I live at a very large centralized apartment building in Hollywood and most days I end up with 7 menus jammed in my door. So I flipped through the 197 delivery menus that I had kept, 194 of which were pizza places which sounded boring (hindsight), one was indian which sounded too risky during a normal week, one was called the steak depot which sounded like a good place for anyone ordering an entire cow, and then there was a chinese place called "Star Wok." This didn't quite ring authentic, but i figured that was okay in a week where I really just craved non disasters. So I dialed. 8:03pm on my cell phone.

I called wondering where my food was at 9:15. "We are very busy, he had 3 whole deliveries to make" she said without the sarcastic word "whole" in the sentence. So I accepted this bad news (you get used to it in a week like this) and waited a little longer. 9:36 I could have hit up all three corners of the greater los angeles area AND made homemade eggrolls by now I thought to myself as I called back. This time she claimed to have just spoken with the driver and he was now en route only moments away. I hasselled her some more as it had been an hour and a half now. She agreed to give me 25% off. I wanted to cancel the order on principal but discount chinese food only moments away sounded too good to turn down. Principles can be put aside for sesame chicken in trying times like this.

And alas...after trashing much of my apartment in frustration i furiously tried calling back once more at 10:01. I would threaten law suits, the better business bureau, and possibly even to burn down their establishment. I was in my pajamas, I just needed chinese food. There was no answer. They had closed. The week of doom had struck again. Somehow it had contacted this establishment and told them not only to not serve me, but to taunt me by telling me it was constantly "on the way." My personal theory, they never even sent the delivery guy. Now lots of people have to get root canals, people lose jobs and girls all the time, and parking tickets are in my monthly budget. But I dare you to find someone who ever ordered delivery food and had it just not come. No one has ever had this happen. I believe that in the history of delivery food, I am the first. Sure it's been pathetically late for some people. Others have called ten minutes before closing and had them refuse to take the order that late, but never has anyone just had it not come!

Now the week has passed, and my luck certainly has been a bit better. Nothing good has happened, but the bad has stopped. So I'm on the lookout for something good. They always say that when one door closes, another door opens. I believe this. I'm hoping that this also translates into that when you have one of the shittiest weeks ever, you'll have an unbelievable amazing week to make up for it. One with lottery wins, supermodels, and 20 minute deliveries. I'll keep ya posted.

cheers
Scot