Who in the Hezbollah is Hezbollah?

As the Middle East rages in conflict, I know many people are asking the all important question of who are these fanatical dumb-bell rocket launching meatheads known as Hezbollah? Now before you get your politically correct panties in a bunch, I need to clarify a few things…

1) I believe the Middle East itself is the very definition of grey area when it comes to land rights.
2) Number 1 does not excuse violent, terrorist, militant, aggressive acts.

Now Hezbollah is a multi-faceted organization with both a civilian side, a political side, and a militant side. They run hospitals, social services, and schools as well building roads and infrastructure. But they also kill lots of people! In fact, the Hezbollian flag happens to be a nice loud yellow with an arm holding a machine gun. It looks like something some guy from Nebraska nicknamed killer Jack would design on Photoshop to use as his paint ball insignia.



But that’s just a flag, right? Wrong. Hezbollah also hides missiles in schools, mosques, and family homes! The reported number of missiles they have is over 10,000. LINK I hear that many of their people keep the missiles in their pantries next to the peanut butter and crackers so they can be reminded about bloodshed every snack break!



So how do they afford all of this military might and crackers? Well Hezbollah is a crazy bitch with 2 sugar daddies. Whenever they need money and sometimes when they don’t, they call either Syria or Iran, and say something like “Hey baby, want me to blow (Israel up) like you like it? Oh, yeah baby, you know you like it when I’m a naughty little Hezbollah.” Now I have not actually heard these phone calls, but I am sure that is mostly what was said by some gruff sounding Islamic militant.



Hezbollah is also in the business of kidnapping, suicide bombings, launching rockets into civilian towns, and making ridiculous proclamations like, “Our work will not be done until all of Israel is destroyed.”

The bottom line is that Hezbollah is an organization of outdated ideas. In fact, it was founded on the idea of getting Israel to withdraw from Southern Lebanon. Guess what? Mission accomplished years ago! That is now officially an outdated idea! And what about suicide bombings, small scale rockets, and kidnappings? It’s all so 1983. (Not that they really made sense then either.) Simply put, there are much better ways to flourish as a society. Israel has withdrawn from Southern Lebanon. So you don’t like them? Big deal. I don’t like my neighbor either. But I’ve found it a lot better to ignore him and succeed in my life then to throw rocks through his god damn window and then have him key my car.

Now I do not claim to be quite wise enough to solve all of the problems in that part of the world, but I do know that the world would be able to advance and have peace much faster if the governments of the Middle East would stop supporting groups like this and instead focus on improving their own countries. Iran and Syria have the resources to be some of the richest countries in the world! And with economic leverage comes infinitely more power then your inaccurate pantry missiles. Iran has a legitimate chance of becoming one of the world’s most important and powerful countries but instead blows millions on some sort of vengeful dislike of Jews and Israel. A little clue here people, the land Israel is sitting on is the fucking Baltic of the Middle East.



So Syria and Iran, quit funding Hezbollah to be your mercenaries and start realizing that the world is now in the twenty first century. Wars should now be fought in board rooms and on stock markets, not with machine guns and home-made rockets.

And hey, Hezbollah, how about some more schools and hospitals and less missiles? And this time, how about business school instead of terrorist sleep away camp? Just an idea from the twenty first century.

Be Well
-Scot-