What the Real World Should Learn From College

Recently no one has asked me what the difference between the real world and college is, but if they had, I would have had an essays worth of ideas on things that the real world should take from college and incorporate into everyday life. “Like what?” you ask. Well…

Optional Three Hour Work Days
In searching for a job upon graduation, I looked everywhere for a high paying job where I could sign up for a few afternoon hours of work per week. The kind of job where there are enough employees that if I accidentally decided to get drunk and couldn’t make it any given day that I wouldn’t be missed. The kind of job that pushes you hard for a week or two a year and lets you cruise the rest of the time by copying off Asians. Unfortunately the real world seems to be stuck on this silly notion of eight hour days and earning your pay! To illustrate how stupid this is, just ask your average working Joe when the last time they went to Mexico with a stripper or if they've gotten drunk, put a paper bag on their head and lit it on fire on a Monday. The real world needs help. Case closed.



Work Exchange Program
When I had classes in college that actually included homework, there were some simple techniques for resourceful people like myself to efficiently remove this obstacle of happiness. I would simply tell one person that if I could copy their homework this week that I would let them copy mine next week. The person would agree and I would take their answers to another person and offer them this week’s homework in exchange for them letting me have next week’s homework. As a successful middle man, I didn’t do homework for the last 3 years of college. But upon graduating, I found out a horrible flaw in the real world…They make different people do different work! Maybe they have some bizarre sudo-logical reason for this, but it seems to me, college got it right.

A Forgivable 4 Year Period for Lesbianism
Girls in the real world never get drunk and kiss each other! Not even when you dare them too! College on the other hand has found a brilliant loophole that allows girls to kiss, grope, and fondle each other without ever being looked at twice. (Mostly because no one looks away.) Just imagine how much better the real world would be with this type of policy. Girl on girl meetings, off-sites, and a whole different type of office party!



Extra Holidays and Vacations
In the real world we rarely celebrate things. Most people get a lousy week off for Christmas and then a few scattered Mondays off. My thought on the matter… Where are the drunken Wednesdays and the bodily fluid exchange Thursdays?! Life is about celebration! Celebrating things by drinking ourselves retarded! Celebrating things like… spring break, fat Tuesday, pimps, ho’s, kwanza, Cinco de Mayo, Seis de Mayo, Fridays, Mash reruns, finishing a test, failing a test, football games, concerts, dropping a class, moon god festivals, sorority car washes, intramural bowling, birthdays of people you’ve never met, rush parties of fraternities you wouldn’t join, nude marathons, 2 for 1 beer nights, break-ups, and 4-20. Now that’s a calendar that I can respect.



Overall Quality of Life
As I write this complaining essay on a Tuesday night, I sit alone in my apartment. There is no loud music from down the hall, no pretty girls who need calculus help, and nobody chatting in a rec room or 24 hour cafeteria about blowjobs and conspiracy theories. In fact, in the real world you can’t even walk down the hall of your apartment building and introduce yourself to someone at midnight without having the police called. There are many unwritten rules like this in the real world that keep people from meeting new people, getting laid, and living life to the fullest. The truth is that the real world could learn a lot from college. And people know it too! People always talk about their college years as “the best time of their life” and write it off like some lost love from the past, but college isn’t about the classes, it’s really just a set of rules for living your life. We should all continue to live by those rules! Why not live by the rules that say if you start a beer you finish it, not the rules that say you can’t stay up past one on a work night. Think how much more fun you would have. And maybe you do have to work a little harder in the real world and that’s okay… Or maybe you just have to find a new set of loopholes.