Week of Doom

Have you eve had a week so bad that by thursday you just don't want to get out of bed? One of those weeks where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING goes wrong. Even the little stuff. Check that, especially the little stuff. But to the point where the little stuff adds up to feel like one of those disaster scenes from a slapstick comedy where the main character accidently lights himself on fire after seemingly losing the girl, his job, and his best friend with in a matter of minutes.

And somehow the character never seems to be hurt from being ablaze for several minutes and always gets the girl back. Unfortunately first degree burns hurt in the real world. A lot. I found that out during the week of doom. Yes, recently I had a week that would have made a perfect middle section to Ben Stiller's next movie.

I won't get into every detail, because the internet isn't big enough, but here are a few of the highlights... Cracked a tooth, needed a root canal, got a temperary filling because the dentist did not have time to finish root canal before leaving town, got a parking ticket for 45 bucks, got a speeding ticket, found out that the girl I like is now seeing someone who plays soccer (i hate guys who play soccer), cracked my temporary filling while the dentist was on vacation, got a permanent stain on one of the only shirts that makes me look cool, lost the biggest gig of my writing career (biggie), lost my voice without having shouted, sprained an ankle playing basketball, lost 300 dollars playing poker figuring I was owed some gambling karma, and finally ordered chinese food for dinner and it NEVER came.

Now the last one doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it happened to be the straw that broke the back of my frustration camel. He is now dead. Very sad. I had had enough. My plan was to spend an evening inside my apartment, watching tv other then news, where nothing could go wrong. I wouldn't even leave to get dinner I thought, delivery sounds safe. What could possibly happen wrong with that? Sure I could get food poisoning, but that could happen with any food I figured.

Now I live at a very large centralized apartment building in Hollywood and most days I end up with 7 menus jammed in my door. So I flipped through the 197 delivery menus that I had kept, 194 of which were pizza places which sounded boring (hindsight), one was indian which sounded too risky during a normal week, one was called the steak depot which sounded like a good place for anyone ordering an entire cow, and then there was a chinese place called "Star Wok." This didn't quite ring authentic, but i figured that was okay in a week where I really just craved non disasters. So I dialed. 8:03pm on my cell phone.

I called wondering where my food was at 9:15. "We are very busy, he had 3 whole deliveries to make" she said without the sarcastic word "whole" in the sentence. So I accepted this bad news (you get used to it in a week like this) and waited a little longer. 9:36 I could have hit up all three corners of the greater los angeles area AND made homemade eggrolls by now I thought to myself as I called back. This time she claimed to have just spoken with the driver and he was now en route only moments away. I hasselled her some more as it had been an hour and a half now. She agreed to give me 25% off. I wanted to cancel the order on principal but discount chinese food only moments away sounded too good to turn down. Principles can be put aside for sesame chicken in trying times like this.

And alas...after trashing much of my apartment in frustration i furiously tried calling back once more at 10:01. I would threaten law suits, the better business bureau, and possibly even to burn down their establishment. I was in my pajamas, I just needed chinese food. There was no answer. They had closed. The week of doom had struck again. Somehow it had contacted this establishment and told them not only to not serve me, but to taunt me by telling me it was constantly "on the way." My personal theory, they never even sent the delivery guy. Now lots of people have to get root canals, people lose jobs and girls all the time, and parking tickets are in my monthly budget. But I dare you to find someone who ever ordered delivery food and had it just not come. No one has ever had this happen. I believe that in the history of delivery food, I am the first. Sure it's been pathetically late for some people. Others have called ten minutes before closing and had them refuse to take the order that late, but never has anyone just had it not come!

Now the week has passed, and my luck certainly has been a bit better. Nothing good has happened, but the bad has stopped. So I'm on the lookout for something good. They always say that when one door closes, another door opens. I believe this. I'm hoping that this also translates into that when you have one of the shittiest weeks ever, you'll have an unbelievable amazing week to make up for it. One with lottery wins, supermodels, and 20 minute deliveries. I'll keep ya posted.

cheers
Scot

What the Real World Should Learn From College

Recently no one has asked me what the difference between the real world and college is, but if they had, I would have had an essays worth of ideas on things that the real world should take from college and incorporate into everyday life. “Like what?” you ask. Well…

Optional Three Hour Work Days
In searching for a job upon graduation, I looked everywhere for a high paying job where I could sign up for a few afternoon hours of work per week. The kind of job where there are enough employees that if I accidentally decided to get drunk and couldn’t make it any given day that I wouldn’t be missed. The kind of job that pushes you hard for a week or two a year and lets you cruise the rest of the time by copying off Asians. Unfortunately the real world seems to be stuck on this silly notion of eight hour days and earning your pay! To illustrate how stupid this is, just ask your average working Joe when the last time they went to Mexico with a stripper or if they've gotten drunk, put a paper bag on their head and lit it on fire on a Monday. The real world needs help. Case closed.



Work Exchange Program
When I had classes in college that actually included homework, there were some simple techniques for resourceful people like myself to efficiently remove this obstacle of happiness. I would simply tell one person that if I could copy their homework this week that I would let them copy mine next week. The person would agree and I would take their answers to another person and offer them this week’s homework in exchange for them letting me have next week’s homework. As a successful middle man, I didn’t do homework for the last 3 years of college. But upon graduating, I found out a horrible flaw in the real world…They make different people do different work! Maybe they have some bizarre sudo-logical reason for this, but it seems to me, college got it right.

A Forgivable 4 Year Period for Lesbianism
Girls in the real world never get drunk and kiss each other! Not even when you dare them too! College on the other hand has found a brilliant loophole that allows girls to kiss, grope, and fondle each other without ever being looked at twice. (Mostly because no one looks away.) Just imagine how much better the real world would be with this type of policy. Girl on girl meetings, off-sites, and a whole different type of office party!



Extra Holidays and Vacations
In the real world we rarely celebrate things. Most people get a lousy week off for Christmas and then a few scattered Mondays off. My thought on the matter… Where are the drunken Wednesdays and the bodily fluid exchange Thursdays?! Life is about celebration! Celebrating things by drinking ourselves retarded! Celebrating things like… spring break, fat Tuesday, pimps, ho’s, kwanza, Cinco de Mayo, Seis de Mayo, Fridays, Mash reruns, finishing a test, failing a test, football games, concerts, dropping a class, moon god festivals, sorority car washes, intramural bowling, birthdays of people you’ve never met, rush parties of fraternities you wouldn’t join, nude marathons, 2 for 1 beer nights, break-ups, and 4-20. Now that’s a calendar that I can respect.



Overall Quality of Life
As I write this complaining essay on a Tuesday night, I sit alone in my apartment. There is no loud music from down the hall, no pretty girls who need calculus help, and nobody chatting in a rec room or 24 hour cafeteria about blowjobs and conspiracy theories. In fact, in the real world you can’t even walk down the hall of your apartment building and introduce yourself to someone at midnight without having the police called. There are many unwritten rules like this in the real world that keep people from meeting new people, getting laid, and living life to the fullest. The truth is that the real world could learn a lot from college. And people know it too! People always talk about their college years as “the best time of their life” and write it off like some lost love from the past, but college isn’t about the classes, it’s really just a set of rules for living your life. We should all continue to live by those rules! Why not live by the rules that say if you start a beer you finish it, not the rules that say you can’t stay up past one on a work night. Think how much more fun you would have. And maybe you do have to work a little harder in the real world and that’s okay… Or maybe you just have to find a new set of loopholes.

Who in the Hezbollah is Hezbollah?

As the Middle East rages in conflict, I know many people are asking the all important question of who are these fanatical dumb-bell rocket launching meatheads known as Hezbollah? Now before you get your politically correct panties in a bunch, I need to clarify a few things…

1) I believe the Middle East itself is the very definition of grey area when it comes to land rights.
2) Number 1 does not excuse violent, terrorist, militant, aggressive acts.

Now Hezbollah is a multi-faceted organization with both a civilian side, a political side, and a militant side. They run hospitals, social services, and schools as well building roads and infrastructure. But they also kill lots of people! In fact, the Hezbollian flag happens to be a nice loud yellow with an arm holding a machine gun. It looks like something some guy from Nebraska nicknamed killer Jack would design on Photoshop to use as his paint ball insignia.



But that’s just a flag, right? Wrong. Hezbollah also hides missiles in schools, mosques, and family homes! The reported number of missiles they have is over 10,000. LINK I hear that many of their people keep the missiles in their pantries next to the peanut butter and crackers so they can be reminded about bloodshed every snack break!



So how do they afford all of this military might and crackers? Well Hezbollah is a crazy bitch with 2 sugar daddies. Whenever they need money and sometimes when they don’t, they call either Syria or Iran, and say something like “Hey baby, want me to blow (Israel up) like you like it? Oh, yeah baby, you know you like it when I’m a naughty little Hezbollah.” Now I have not actually heard these phone calls, but I am sure that is mostly what was said by some gruff sounding Islamic militant.



Hezbollah is also in the business of kidnapping, suicide bombings, launching rockets into civilian towns, and making ridiculous proclamations like, “Our work will not be done until all of Israel is destroyed.”

The bottom line is that Hezbollah is an organization of outdated ideas. In fact, it was founded on the idea of getting Israel to withdraw from Southern Lebanon. Guess what? Mission accomplished years ago! That is now officially an outdated idea! And what about suicide bombings, small scale rockets, and kidnappings? It’s all so 1983. (Not that they really made sense then either.) Simply put, there are much better ways to flourish as a society. Israel has withdrawn from Southern Lebanon. So you don’t like them? Big deal. I don’t like my neighbor either. But I’ve found it a lot better to ignore him and succeed in my life then to throw rocks through his god damn window and then have him key my car.

Now I do not claim to be quite wise enough to solve all of the problems in that part of the world, but I do know that the world would be able to advance and have peace much faster if the governments of the Middle East would stop supporting groups like this and instead focus on improving their own countries. Iran and Syria have the resources to be some of the richest countries in the world! And with economic leverage comes infinitely more power then your inaccurate pantry missiles. Iran has a legitimate chance of becoming one of the world’s most important and powerful countries but instead blows millions on some sort of vengeful dislike of Jews and Israel. A little clue here people, the land Israel is sitting on is the fucking Baltic of the Middle East.



So Syria and Iran, quit funding Hezbollah to be your mercenaries and start realizing that the world is now in the twenty first century. Wars should now be fought in board rooms and on stock markets, not with machine guns and home-made rockets.

And hey, Hezbollah, how about some more schools and hospitals and less missiles? And this time, how about business school instead of terrorist sleep away camp? Just an idea from the twenty first century.

Be Well
-Scot-